run and tell that, homeboy

So last night I had one of the craziest dreams since, ever. It pretty much involved me standing in the middle of a gigantic room, surrounded by every thing, person and situation I hate and me cursing at that person/thing. It felt like hours and when I woken up by my alarm, I was pissed off and smashed my phone to stop the alarm. A sore and dry throat lead me to believe that I was swearing aloud in my sleep. So I rolled out of bed, kneeled on the floor and said my morning prayer. With anger.

It feels as though I'm going through a bit of a tough season. Everything seems like a struggle, frustrating me to the point that it manifests in my dreams. Sadly my dreams have become about saying what I want to say to everything I despise.

Amidst this morning of negativity I felt this thought take hold of my mind - "I'm sick of believing, I just want to see". Over and over I went through my frustrations in my mind; my relationship, the struggles in ministry, irritating coworkers and frustrations at home. Usually I find positivity in at least one of these areas of life but lately it's been harder than usual. Everybody around me can clearly tell. It takes its toll and when I would usually bite my tongue or smile and nod, I find myself doing the opposite.

"Trust me" - is all I hear when I pray. Over and over. My reply usually is - "Okay, now what."

Seeing my obvious frustration, Dad spoke to me briefly before I headed out. I didn't really listen to be honest, preoccupied with my thoughts. Later I realised - since when has anyone God is, has or wants to use, ever had it easy. Our trust and hope is not in our own strength or faith. Ultimately, there isn't much for me to believe in. Unless God has some kind of hand in this, I'd probably end up leaving my gorgeous girlfriend, the youth group will die under my watch, I'll quit my job bitterly and I'll become disconnected and disinterested by my own family. But His grace is enough that none of these will happen. I believe that I will see it.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." - James 1:17