We all think we know what we want. Success, acknowledgment or perhaps fame. Maybe you wanted to be a fireman or a magician. Maybe you still want to. But what do we really want?

I'm a firm believer in man's innate desire to know God. We were made to share in communion with our God, to wander the garden together and to converse freely, without the wall of sin. Though millennia of sin and shortcoming have separated man, somewhere in the depths of our spirits, we desire and thirst for an encounter with Someone greater than ourselves. Truly, when it is all stripped away, our longings, our yearnings and our innermost cries are to know a God who loves, cherishes, adores and holds us.

David writes in Psalm 139 - "Lord... you know me". He goes on to say that there is no rising or falling, no word spoken or intention of the heart that God does not see. Deeply, God knows our most basic needs for He formed us, therefore He knows us. Sadly we do not always know Him in the same way.

Our human need is to know him. Our condition causes us to require more than just human validation. Our flesh groans (Romans 8:26) beyond what we are aware, for God to captivate every layer and barrier we have built up. We cry for a God to break down our walls through love and grace. All we really want, is Him.

We just won't admit it.

Faith, BJJ and Life

No one activity in life is an island. Essentially we exist, by the links which tie our every action together. Whether passing the guard or brushing your teeth everything is connected. Could jiu-jitsu speak into my life? Certainly. Can it speak into my faith? Definately.

This may sound like an exaggeration. It could come across as an attempt by a fairy-minded youth leader to over-spiritualise what some perceive as 'gay' and 'awkward'. But you don't know like I know.

A few of the boys at youth tonight rolled around, something we haven't done together in a while. "It hurts so good", we agreed. There is nothing like testing yourself to your physical limit, being pushed to that point of submit or pass out. This reminded me what I loved about jiu-jitsu all along. It's founding principle is this - that with skill, technique and persistence, a weaker, smaller man can outsmart and overwhelm even the strongest of opponents. In jiu-jitsu there are no situations that are completely unavoidable. The studious and persistent will always find a way whilst the ignorant will be trapped and tapped out.

That feeling of being choked to the point of almost passing out is both frightening and inspiring. Those with heart will be inspired to learn - how can I escape, how can I reverse, how can I overcome? Beautifully, jiu-jitsu is not a sport for naturally athletic freak but is the art for the everyman. "Hard work and dedication. That's all it takes" (said Todd Duffee - now cut from the UFC lol).

God will use anything. He will use the death of a brother and then raise him from the dead to show his sovereignty to two sisters. He used two planks of wood to display love through death. He used the weak, uneducated and the destitute to transform the world (think of the disciples - for every strength each had, they had just as many if not more flaws). So why wouldn't God use a Japanese science of self defense, taught to a Brazilian business family, to teach me about the necessity of perseverance and persistence?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

We endure trials on a daily basis and often it becomes too tiring and we lose the passion to learn more. We lose the drive to learn the escapes, study the submissions and master the reversals. Praise God we have a Teacher, a Counselor, a Helper and a Comforter dwelling within us. For the testing develops perseverance and "perseverance, character and character, hope" - Romans 5:4.

Thanks to Mark, Peter and Minh for being in a position where God could use you. Praise the Lord that He uses all aspects of life, whether by the Word or grappling, to make me a better man.

the mysterious

The apostle Paul describes our walk with God as a mystery (he mentions it several times in Ephesians).

It seems to me that the more you know, the more you don't know. He gives us what we can only barely handle; only what our minds can take hold of - and then He blitzes the mind, blowing it into a million pieces and we're left feeling, understandably, like our minds have been obliterated by the magnitude of the Glory of God.

Revelation must then be paired with faith. For as much as we know, there surely is more that we cannot comprehend. Certainty hand in hand with uncertainty, the concrete act of God and the invisible nature of His presence, knowing completely and yet still knowing nothing.

So is the conundrum of our faith. Understanding it would seem, must be accompanied by mystery.

This is either extremely frustrating to me or completely captivating. I can't figure it out - but praise God because He knows exactly what we need.

worship and sacrifice - best mates

And Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; the lad and I will go yonder and worship, and we will come back to you.” - Genesis 22:5 (NKJV)

We've possibly read through this passage a hundred times. This passage being the first time worship is mentioned in the bible, makes it incredibly significant that this testing is our first example of worship. I like how the NKJV entitles the passage with "Abraham's faith confirmed", whilst the NIV has the title of "Abraham tested". The way I see it, this isn't really a situation of "either or", but is truly a time of both confirmation and testing.

There are a million and one lessons to learn from this faith-filled passage. But for my life, for right now, it is this: Worship is sacrifice. Whether it is the blood of your own son, your pride or your money, worship = sacrifice.

When we come to the Lord in worship, aren't the most powerful times, the life-changing moments, those tear stained memories, founded on a sense of sacrifice in worship? Surely we (and Abraham) would have not had a taste of the Messiah to come (for us - a Messiah that has come), without the willing sacrifice in worship.

God asks us to come to the alter and make an exchange - A piece of Me for a piece of you. This trade it would seem, is completely unfair. A fractured piece of humanity for a glimpse of the Eternal God.

Abraham was asked to offer his son - all of his prayers, love, affection, pride and hope were in Isaac. Isaac was truly a part of Abraham: his own flesh and blood, his miracle. At the alter Isaac was replaced by a ram. As they came down from the mountain, they descended into life with an insurmountable, unsurpassed and eternal blessing, the likes of which no man could comprehend.

It is therefore the willingness to come to worship intentionally with a sacrifice ready to be burnt that draws us closer to God and further from ourselves.

my hope is You

Of what value is this leper
What use is such failing
My worth is in You
My worth is in You

What else is there to do
Where else can I turn
My hope is in You
My hope is in You


Though I am weak
Mercy surrounds 
Though I stumble
Love overwhelms

My hope is in You
My hope is in You
My hope is You

 
Forgetting all the riches
Forsaking my crowns
You are my portion
You are my portion

Forever you are greater
Forever you are stronger
You are my God
You are my God


When I am weak
Mercy surrounds 
When I stumble
Love overwhelms
 
My hope is in You
My hope is in You
My hope is You

He isn't crazy in love like beyonce,
He is crazy love.

the accuser.

So I haven't posted in a while. Honestly, praise God for people like my cousin who can keep me accountable. It keeps you sane and faithful to what we've been called to be.

I was woken up at 2:40am this morning by my squigy (eczema). I got up put on my ointment and lay there. As I lay all I heard were these whispers in my ears, "you'll always be the same - you're a stuff up - how many times are you going to fail - again? seriously. - pathetic - loser - you'll never make it, heck, this won't even last..." Over and over this voice pestered me. It wasn't physically audible, but it sure felt like someone speaking to me. I got up, thinking this was just in my head and decided to go toilet and wash my face.

Truth be told, this hasn't been one of my best weeks. I haven't exactly been a faithful son this week to say the least. At this point in time I feel more like a prodigal son than anything.

Went to the toilet, washed my face and walked back to my room. Something was following me around the house. I knew it. It was familiar to me. This was a visit from my good ol' buddy - the accuser. He never fails to turn up when I've stumbled and fallen. He's very consistent, more so than I am in faith.

Usually when I sense a spirit coming to pester me a simple firm instruction to leave me in the name of Jesus does the trick and I'm back to sleep in a minute. But he was persistent this morning and I finally snapped.

Upset and annoyed I sat up in my bed and declared:

"Leave me in the name of Jesus. You have no right here. Leave."
"Right? What right do you have?"
"I'm covered by His blood. I'm covered by grace. Leave me, you have no right to be here"
"You don't even believe that. How can you even believe that crap."

At this point I was caught off guard. I didn't really feel as though I was in a place of grace. But I spoke what I knew to be true - even though I didn't fully believe it. But beauty is however, that at this moment, praying in the Spirit, I was reminded of scripture upon scripture and grace became my reality once again. Pretty aggravated and annoyed I gave the most non-Biblical command to this spirit:

"Piss off in Jesus' name."

I'm not sure if that's how the disciples in the early church would've done it haha but it worked and I went back to bed.

Praise God that in my weakness He is still strong. Strong enough that grace covers me even in my dirtiest moments and most shameful of days. He's good and always will be.