We all think we know what we want. Success, acknowledgment or perhaps fame. Maybe you wanted to be a fireman or a magician. Maybe you still want to. But what do we really want?

I'm a firm believer in man's innate desire to know God. We were made to share in communion with our God, to wander the garden together and to converse freely, without the wall of sin. Though millennia of sin and shortcoming have separated man, somewhere in the depths of our spirits, we desire and thirst for an encounter with Someone greater than ourselves. Truly, when it is all stripped away, our longings, our yearnings and our innermost cries are to know a God who loves, cherishes, adores and holds us.

David writes in Psalm 139 - "Lord... you know me". He goes on to say that there is no rising or falling, no word spoken or intention of the heart that God does not see. Deeply, God knows our most basic needs for He formed us, therefore He knows us. Sadly we do not always know Him in the same way.

Our human need is to know him. Our condition causes us to require more than just human validation. Our flesh groans (Romans 8:26) beyond what we are aware, for God to captivate every layer and barrier we have built up. We cry for a God to break down our walls through love and grace. All we really want, is Him.

We just won't admit it.

Faith, BJJ and Life

No one activity in life is an island. Essentially we exist, by the links which tie our every action together. Whether passing the guard or brushing your teeth everything is connected. Could jiu-jitsu speak into my life? Certainly. Can it speak into my faith? Definately.

This may sound like an exaggeration. It could come across as an attempt by a fairy-minded youth leader to over-spiritualise what some perceive as 'gay' and 'awkward'. But you don't know like I know.

A few of the boys at youth tonight rolled around, something we haven't done together in a while. "It hurts so good", we agreed. There is nothing like testing yourself to your physical limit, being pushed to that point of submit or pass out. This reminded me what I loved about jiu-jitsu all along. It's founding principle is this - that with skill, technique and persistence, a weaker, smaller man can outsmart and overwhelm even the strongest of opponents. In jiu-jitsu there are no situations that are completely unavoidable. The studious and persistent will always find a way whilst the ignorant will be trapped and tapped out.

That feeling of being choked to the point of almost passing out is both frightening and inspiring. Those with heart will be inspired to learn - how can I escape, how can I reverse, how can I overcome? Beautifully, jiu-jitsu is not a sport for naturally athletic freak but is the art for the everyman. "Hard work and dedication. That's all it takes" (said Todd Duffee - now cut from the UFC lol).

God will use anything. He will use the death of a brother and then raise him from the dead to show his sovereignty to two sisters. He used two planks of wood to display love through death. He used the weak, uneducated and the destitute to transform the world (think of the disciples - for every strength each had, they had just as many if not more flaws). So why wouldn't God use a Japanese science of self defense, taught to a Brazilian business family, to teach me about the necessity of perseverance and persistence?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

We endure trials on a daily basis and often it becomes too tiring and we lose the passion to learn more. We lose the drive to learn the escapes, study the submissions and master the reversals. Praise God we have a Teacher, a Counselor, a Helper and a Comforter dwelling within us. For the testing develops perseverance and "perseverance, character and character, hope" - Romans 5:4.

Thanks to Mark, Peter and Minh for being in a position where God could use you. Praise the Lord that He uses all aspects of life, whether by the Word or grappling, to make me a better man.

the mysterious

The apostle Paul describes our walk with God as a mystery (he mentions it several times in Ephesians).

It seems to me that the more you know, the more you don't know. He gives us what we can only barely handle; only what our minds can take hold of - and then He blitzes the mind, blowing it into a million pieces and we're left feeling, understandably, like our minds have been obliterated by the magnitude of the Glory of God.

Revelation must then be paired with faith. For as much as we know, there surely is more that we cannot comprehend. Certainty hand in hand with uncertainty, the concrete act of God and the invisible nature of His presence, knowing completely and yet still knowing nothing.

So is the conundrum of our faith. Understanding it would seem, must be accompanied by mystery.

This is either extremely frustrating to me or completely captivating. I can't figure it out - but praise God because He knows exactly what we need.

worship and sacrifice - best mates

And Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; the lad and I will go yonder and worship, and we will come back to you.” - Genesis 22:5 (NKJV)

We've possibly read through this passage a hundred times. This passage being the first time worship is mentioned in the bible, makes it incredibly significant that this testing is our first example of worship. I like how the NKJV entitles the passage with "Abraham's faith confirmed", whilst the NIV has the title of "Abraham tested". The way I see it, this isn't really a situation of "either or", but is truly a time of both confirmation and testing.

There are a million and one lessons to learn from this faith-filled passage. But for my life, for right now, it is this: Worship is sacrifice. Whether it is the blood of your own son, your pride or your money, worship = sacrifice.

When we come to the Lord in worship, aren't the most powerful times, the life-changing moments, those tear stained memories, founded on a sense of sacrifice in worship? Surely we (and Abraham) would have not had a taste of the Messiah to come (for us - a Messiah that has come), without the willing sacrifice in worship.

God asks us to come to the alter and make an exchange - A piece of Me for a piece of you. This trade it would seem, is completely unfair. A fractured piece of humanity for a glimpse of the Eternal God.

Abraham was asked to offer his son - all of his prayers, love, affection, pride and hope were in Isaac. Isaac was truly a part of Abraham: his own flesh and blood, his miracle. At the alter Isaac was replaced by a ram. As they came down from the mountain, they descended into life with an insurmountable, unsurpassed and eternal blessing, the likes of which no man could comprehend.

It is therefore the willingness to come to worship intentionally with a sacrifice ready to be burnt that draws us closer to God and further from ourselves.

my hope is You

Of what value is this leper
What use is such failing
My worth is in You
My worth is in You

What else is there to do
Where else can I turn
My hope is in You
My hope is in You


Though I am weak
Mercy surrounds 
Though I stumble
Love overwhelms

My hope is in You
My hope is in You
My hope is You

 
Forgetting all the riches
Forsaking my crowns
You are my portion
You are my portion

Forever you are greater
Forever you are stronger
You are my God
You are my God


When I am weak
Mercy surrounds 
When I stumble
Love overwhelms
 
My hope is in You
My hope is in You
My hope is You

He isn't crazy in love like beyonce,
He is crazy love.

the accuser.

So I haven't posted in a while. Honestly, praise God for people like my cousin who can keep me accountable. It keeps you sane and faithful to what we've been called to be.

I was woken up at 2:40am this morning by my squigy (eczema). I got up put on my ointment and lay there. As I lay all I heard were these whispers in my ears, "you'll always be the same - you're a stuff up - how many times are you going to fail - again? seriously. - pathetic - loser - you'll never make it, heck, this won't even last..." Over and over this voice pestered me. It wasn't physically audible, but it sure felt like someone speaking to me. I got up, thinking this was just in my head and decided to go toilet and wash my face.

Truth be told, this hasn't been one of my best weeks. I haven't exactly been a faithful son this week to say the least. At this point in time I feel more like a prodigal son than anything.

Went to the toilet, washed my face and walked back to my room. Something was following me around the house. I knew it. It was familiar to me. This was a visit from my good ol' buddy - the accuser. He never fails to turn up when I've stumbled and fallen. He's very consistent, more so than I am in faith.

Usually when I sense a spirit coming to pester me a simple firm instruction to leave me in the name of Jesus does the trick and I'm back to sleep in a minute. But he was persistent this morning and I finally snapped.

Upset and annoyed I sat up in my bed and declared:

"Leave me in the name of Jesus. You have no right here. Leave."
"Right? What right do you have?"
"I'm covered by His blood. I'm covered by grace. Leave me, you have no right to be here"
"You don't even believe that. How can you even believe that crap."

At this point I was caught off guard. I didn't really feel as though I was in a place of grace. But I spoke what I knew to be true - even though I didn't fully believe it. But beauty is however, that at this moment, praying in the Spirit, I was reminded of scripture upon scripture and grace became my reality once again. Pretty aggravated and annoyed I gave the most non-Biblical command to this spirit:

"Piss off in Jesus' name."

I'm not sure if that's how the disciples in the early church would've done it haha but it worked and I went back to bed.

Praise God that in my weakness He is still strong. Strong enough that grace covers me even in my dirtiest moments and most shameful of days. He's good and always will be.

really quite silly

Just sharing my morning's devotion passage: Mark 8:13-21

Quick context:
- Jesus feeds the four thousand by breaking bread and fish. Jesus and the team gets on a boat to go to the 'other side'
- Pharisees test Jesus' divinity and demand a miracle. Jesus refuses and hops back on the boat and goes back
- On the boat, the disciples realise there is only one loaf of bread for the 13 of them to share. Stressed that Jesus might tell them off they talk amongst themselves.
- Jesus rebukes them.

If Jesus used only seven loaves to feed 4000, there shouldn't be any issue feeding the disciples plus Jesus on that small boat. Right?

I'm just reminded of how forgetful we can be. We can come from a miraculous encounter then almost immediately slip back into our disbelief. I sat here thinking to myself, "If I were there, I would never forget seeing thousands fed from 7 loaves." For goodness sake, the disciples were handing out the miracle! It was happening in their hands as they distributed the food. They were right there and still managed to slip back into doubt. Realistically, I'd probably do the same.

I find comfort in looking into the rest of their lives and ultimately, how they all ended (minus Judas lol). Without an ounce of doubt, the majority of them died for the Jesus they lived for. It speaks to me that faith, really powerful and world changing faith, is not on or off, there or not. But rather it is nurtured, practiced, exercised and grows with time.

run and tell that, homeboy

So last night I had one of the craziest dreams since, ever. It pretty much involved me standing in the middle of a gigantic room, surrounded by every thing, person and situation I hate and me cursing at that person/thing. It felt like hours and when I woken up by my alarm, I was pissed off and smashed my phone to stop the alarm. A sore and dry throat lead me to believe that I was swearing aloud in my sleep. So I rolled out of bed, kneeled on the floor and said my morning prayer. With anger.

It feels as though I'm going through a bit of a tough season. Everything seems like a struggle, frustrating me to the point that it manifests in my dreams. Sadly my dreams have become about saying what I want to say to everything I despise.

Amidst this morning of negativity I felt this thought take hold of my mind - "I'm sick of believing, I just want to see". Over and over I went through my frustrations in my mind; my relationship, the struggles in ministry, irritating coworkers and frustrations at home. Usually I find positivity in at least one of these areas of life but lately it's been harder than usual. Everybody around me can clearly tell. It takes its toll and when I would usually bite my tongue or smile and nod, I find myself doing the opposite.

"Trust me" - is all I hear when I pray. Over and over. My reply usually is - "Okay, now what."

Seeing my obvious frustration, Dad spoke to me briefly before I headed out. I didn't really listen to be honest, preoccupied with my thoughts. Later I realised - since when has anyone God is, has or wants to use, ever had it easy. Our trust and hope is not in our own strength or faith. Ultimately, there isn't much for me to believe in. Unless God has some kind of hand in this, I'd probably end up leaving my gorgeous girlfriend, the youth group will die under my watch, I'll quit my job bitterly and I'll become disconnected and disinterested by my own family. But His grace is enough that none of these will happen. I believe that I will see it.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." - James 1:17

back to basics

So yesterday I started a new workout regime. Rippetoe's Starting Strength training program, designed for lifting and bodybuilding noobs - focusing on several central exercises - squats, bench, dead-lifts and pull-ups. Seems quite simple, no real isolation exercises and generally, the workout is done in less than 45 minutes. But here's the lesson I've learnt progressively at the gym. Its not about the weight, its all about form. Its not about the intensity, but the intention.

I had a strange encounter this morning. Woken up by my beautiful girlfriend calling to say good morning, I lay in bed, 5:45am, trying to get back to sleep for an extra hour. In that moment there was a strange resounding in my spirit - How great is our God, My heart will sing, How great is our God. What felt like only a few moments later I entered a strange ... trance ... if you want to call it that (sounds like drugs lol). I felt the invisible yet very tangible presence of God enter my room, sit by my bed as I lay and touch me saying, "I'm proud of you son". Just like that, it was gone.

I thought it was a dream but I was wide awake. But the past two days have shown me this - get the basics right. You can't do crazy isolation dumbbell curls unless your core strength and supporting muscles are strong enough to allow you to do so. In the same way, how can we as people of faith do anything without living in and acknowledging the presence of God? It is the most fundamental and foundational aspects of our faith. We can't teach, we can't preach, we can't evangelise and we most certainly cannot lead without knowing His presence.

Off to work.



"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." - Psalm 16:11

my heritage

Possibly one of the most life altering revelations I've had is realising the intense blessing that falls on my life. As my friends around me understand the same revelation though their blessings are different, the response though, is usually similar. Gratitude and thanksgiving, joy and peace, love and worship.

We've had the topic of generational blessing and curses come up in our studies and discussions. I've seen the fruits in my life, both positive and negative. I have no doubt that there is a generational transference, though not deliberate, which inevitably takes hold of our lives. Unless we are aware of our heritage, we cannot break the curse or increase the anointing.

My question though is, what will be my heritage? Surely I have received a level of supernatural and unmerited favour for ministry and the work of God, but how will I further that anointing for generations to come? How about my struggles, could they have repercussions decades later?

In being honest with dad two weeks ago, I shared with him my struggles with sin and temptation. He cried and as we continued to talk he spoke of how his experiences as a young man were very similar. Dad was adamant that my struggle was further perpetuated by the fact that he did not break the curse in his time. I walked away touched by my dad's honesty and heart but slightly disbelieving, deciding that my situation was my choice, my creation and my doing. As the thoughts shift and rearrange themselves and I reflect - if I'm more than willing to accept the portion that falls upon my life - a heart for the Lord, an anointing for ministry and Godly principles and beliefs, then I must be aware of the chains that I bear by being my father's (or my mothers) son.

If my father's choices over 40 years ago could have implications upon my life, how much will my choices now and tomorrow, influence generations?

It scares me. But I also find great joy knowing that those I lead and my future family and children will have the portion and blessing which falls on my life fall over theirs too. Not for my family's name sake, or to increase our heritage, but rather to make our inheritance the inheritance of nations - Christ.

"In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." - 1 Peter 1:3-4

night and day 2

Jousting was probably my highlight of the week. Though I didn't participate (which I regret to a degree), it is always fun seeing something you come up with go down well.

Praise Him for His faithfulness, that though we deliberately try to harm each other, that somehow it generally turns out all well :)

night and day.

Night and day, feels like today and yesterday. Today serves as a stark reminder that though we win battles, the war for our devotion is very much raging still. Let me elaborate.

Yesterday was one of the best days I have spent with the Lord in recent memory. Away from a crowd, separate from the people of the church or my closest and most intimate of friends, I sat, played and even wrote a song in the His presence. Spent some amazing time with Him in the morning, held by His love and wanting to give my all, I put to song the words:

I adore you
I adore you
I adore you
He sings over me

I adore You
I adore You
I adore You
Jesus

All morning the Lord continued to speak to me, telling me to trust Him... He keeps telling me, clearly I'm quite stubborn lol. Then going to work, picking up my gorgeous cousin from the city, taking her home for dinner then going to spend some more time at church. I felt as though I picked up a spirit of fear, at church of all places. A reminder that a church is just a building but The Church is the heart of and for God's people. Following me home, the spirit continued to pester me, whispering thoughts, doubts and deceit into my ears. Fed up, I knelt by my bed prayed then sat upon my bed and begun to rebuke the spirit audibly. Laying in bed and writing to my beautiful girlfriend, the spirit returned to continue to harass me. A little more annoyed I rebuked it again firmly by the blood of Christ and as we believe and expect, the blood of Christ overcame and I was at peace.

Such a day of victory one day so strongly contrasted today. I woke up feeling groggy, dizzy and with a pretty uncool headache. So I called in sick. I hope my boss isn't too unimpressed considering it is only my 2nd week lol.

So I just stayed home watched SWAT and where I found it easy to battle with and overcome a spirit of fear, what I succumbed to was simply my own foolishness and lustful desire. I slept the rest of the day, still feeling disgusting both in the physical and in the spirit here I am, writing and reading the Word.

I'm reminded of Psalm 92, particularly verse 2 which I quote regularly.

"It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night"- Psalm 92:1-2

I usually only apply this to literal days. Though tonight I see further, to proclaim His love in the morning, is of course so critical. To involve proclaiming love at the start, at the dawn of each new endeavor, ministry or effort prepares our hearts and reminds us of the focus we need to keep and the motivation which drives us.

But to proclaim His faithfulness in the night - when you're tired, sleepy and worn out; that is just as much a challenge if not greater than the proclamation of love. But He is good, He is faithful, He does not forget His promises but only forgets my sins. Hallelujah.

"For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more" - Jeremiah 31:34
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" - Psalm 103:12

deep, high, wide

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."- Ephesians 3:17-19

Our good friend the Bishop said this, "You can get saved, by you're not set free". Its called Stockholm Syndrome, even though we may be saved from a crippling situation, we choose still to defend and identify that which we have been delivered from; thus living saved, but still captive.

welcome to struggletown.

Today's bible lesson was entitled - 'What the flip do I do when God doesn't answer me'. Cleverly disguised as teaching for ten or so young people, today's lesson was truly my selfish attempt to preach to myself.

It's so easy to get caught up in the emotion of a crowd; to be swept away by the overwhelming emotion of a mass, yet in the secret place comes a deeper intimacy, one which we live for yet few find. This perhaps has been the loneliest weeks I can remember. You don't realise how much you rely upon someone for strength until you try to stand on your own two feet.

And then comes the lesson - TRUST HIM. Throughout the past three weeks of my life is this gargantuan whisper resonates in my spirit. Inescapable, this whisper overcomes every attempt to drown out its sound. Though He speaks in small still whispers, I forget that it is HIS WORD, the same Word that created, shaped, planned and saved my life. Amazingly God is not phased, not even stressed by what is to me, an insurmountable obstacle. 9 sleeps and I can have my best friend back, but how much have I changed? I pray the difference will be night and day.

I've found a new and caring friend recently. Completely unlikely, random and unexpected but I believe it's all for a reason. 

He doesn't even know it but he's changed my life. No I'm not talking about God... though God does love and care for me and has changed my life :) He's a friend that I've just begun to think and pray for and I expect soon, I'll be able to lead him to Christ.

This is my prayer for him:

Lord lead him and guide him
Reveal to his spirit the grace which I see and live in
So that he can someday, somehow, love You as you love him
Amen.

Plain and simply, he is our accuser. Bringing up everything we've done, digging up the past and reminding us of what God has already forgotten. That's his MO - to accuse.

The only way we overcome accusations is to know and live in the Truth. Simple as that, black and white, truth and lie.

In Revelation 12 we get a picture of Satan standing before the Father and accusing. But the one who sits at the Father's right side is far greater than he who stands accusing.

Simply put here's how I see it - unless your thoughts lead to God's glory or Christ becoming greater in your life through grace, then its a lie :)

The dialogue in my spirit this past week:

I adore you

I adore you

Son, I adore you

I adore you

I adore you

Jesus, I adore you

I was only recently bought to this place of adoration with Him. It's a place not about tears, emotion, hype or even circumstance. It is a place of the deepest love, greater than anything I have found in my short 22 years. These words are not proclaimed, shouted or even spoken. They are whispered in the quietest of times when my soul is at rest and my heart set on Him.

why oh why?

Several reasons I guess. Not the least of which is to share my walk with my Saviour.

This is something that I need - an outlet to convey my thoughts, ones which I usually struggle to or rarely get the opportunity to share. This is not about church or work or our youth group or anything. Just me and Him. That's all it's really about.


Colossians 3:11 - "Christ is all, and is in all".